Love as a DECISION not a feeling

#G

Haven’t heard of him yet… Today: 5 days and counting.
I would love to say: “it’s a matter of time and hold on tight”; but still then… he isn’t exactly bringing flowers to my door.

so, what now?

With all this days passing by, peace and calm ain’t surrounding me… instead anger is growing and so much anger turns in dissapointment. Next step: resignation turning indifference.  You know what they say: “distance is forgetting”

Right now fighting this feeling feels like adrenaline inside me, but I’m already feeling the end in here…  And if this is not the end… OUR future end seems so full of indifference – as I’m living the moment now.

I can’t expect for nothing at this time… would love him to show some effort or interest but really ain’t hoping for nothing just for time to go by…

With all this thinking, I’ve been collecting ideas and advices
and even got slammed in the face with this text asking: “Is he the right one?”

I do believe relationships have a cycle. (getting to now each other, falling in love, tolerance, stability, respect, and then slopes you either go up and keep climbing or choose to go down and fall…. )
At first you fall deeply in love, anticipate his calls, wanna keep in touch, love his manners. Falling in love was so easy… in fact completely natural, gotta do nothing to be there! The thing is, it is so easy consecuences may apply… and as time goes by you suddenly stop tolerating, stop calling, you are needing more space and manners aren’t ok anymore.

That’s when you go asking: AM I WITH THE RIGHT PERSON? and things fall apart… The key of success here ain’t finding the right person is rather learning to love to found person.
(I always repeat to myself: LOVE WON’T LAST LONG – at this point Im not sure, any longer, if Love in fact exists…)

You need to know keeping love alive isn’t easy, it’s a daily work and attention, you need to put time, effort and energy.
And Love isn’t a big science, with time you know what to do…
Love has laws… ain’t a mistery therefore:

LOVE is a decision not just a feeling!

A desicion of behaviour, for certain feelings, limits… kind of an investment cause you are spending (life, money, time…)

so go decide not if its the right person, decide whether it is worth the effort, time and full investment…

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fighting and floating

#G

Every now and then people keep asking me about us… I never really know what to answer, the best I can do is: “we float”
We aren’t fighting neither we are compromising, we just stand still, letting it flow, getting along. I can’t see us moving forward neither backwards, we just ARE. May somehow sounds frustraiting but I keep thinking: “this is what i signed up – gotta knew about this already… ” — kind of me deserving this… and then I recall my terapist: “where’s my self steem then?”

And actually the real problem comes out every time we fight, as we are yet so far from the word “stable”, ain’t so sure for the type of problem solving we are up to… and I keep thinking: “is this the last time?”, “is he coming back?”, “how long will this take?”, “who’s turn is it now?” / stupid questions normal couples doesn’t have to worry about as they know things will eventually come back to normal… for me, there’s no finding out the next step for floating there’s just waiting or giving up.

Today I’m counting 4 days, and my anger instead of calming down just brings my anger out. Im learning he likes to let time pass by so things can ease out… unfortunately for me, things work the other way around. Time isn’t healing, time is just fighting me back, driving me crazy and making my mind to come out with explanations.

Our pride – cause I do accept is my fault as well for letting my pride take part – is drifting us down…

He’ve been partying and having a blast – WITHOUT ME – since thursday night and my anger and pride just keep growing the anger in me. Friday night he prefered to look apart, and on Saturday he took his “pride suit” even though I tried some yelling. Today sunday WE turn rather indifferent… is there anything left for tomorrow?  I can’t think of tomorrow… keep waiting for him to realize… but he won’t

Weekend is over already, tomorrow is a new week and all I can manage is “what the hell is he thinking for not calling me and trying to solve things” – he can’t care less… and I can’t stand it anymore

As time goes by and our problems just seem to be bigger for me.
Hopefully someday I’ll be stronger to say “Even though it hurts, I’m ending with something that didn’t even started (but for now just… please…  PROVE ME WRONG) 

Fui por ti un ave que no se atrevio a volar
creí en ti y así me fui olvidando de mi
viví muriendo por estar siguiéndote a ti
y a tus sueños

Hoy ya sé que tus mentiras fueron mi realidad
ya que tu solo amabas tu vanidad
ya ves no fue mi culpa solo fueron tus miedos

Me voy porque contigo piso en falso una ves mas
me voy porque el silencio pesa mas que tu verdad
me voy sin miedo a equivocarme
hoy pongo fin a lo que nunca empezó

Sin ti la vida duele menos
sin ti camino por el cielo
y así soy todo lo que quiero
tengo un mundo tan perfecto sin ti
Sin ti ahora soy tan libre
sin ti ya nada es imposible
y aquí el tiempo ya no vuelve
y aunque a ti te duele que yo sea feliz
ya estas lejos de mi

Tu te ves en un espejo y se convierte en papel
no hay mas que un corazón vacío pido piedad por ti
que no mereces nada de lo que yo te di

[ De: http://www.dicelacancion.com/letra-sin-ti-samo ]

not telling you

#G

“Querida Gin… Tonic. Es el momento de escribirte lo que nunca fui capaz de decirte. Aunque sea tarde, escribir lo que ha sucedido en una carta que no te voy a mandar. Que no vas a recibir nunca, que como tú me enseñaste, en cuanto acabe de escribirla la quemaré, mis sentimientos se pondrán a arder, y así el dolor… cómo era, cómo decías tú… ah ya, así el dolor no se te queda tan dentro. Esta vez solo quiero ser claro. Sería un imbécil si no gritara que me he equivocado, contigo. Que la he cagado pero bien. En el principio, que he intentado avanzar, sin apartar antes las cosas que me impedían, agarrado al pasado, mirando para atrás, queriendo olvidar pero sin parar de recordar. Qué locura Gin, empeñado en quedarme ahí. En medio de un lado y del otro, sin perdonar, sin perdonarme, sin avanzar. ¿Dónde está el secreto del futuro Gin? Puede que esté en fijarse bien, y en avanzar. Mirar más cerca. Más. Tan cerca que lo borroso se vuelve nítido, se vuelve claro… ¡Claro! ¡Hay cosas que pasaron antes!, mucho antes. No quiero esperar milagros… solo que las cosas pasen, O no. Sí, no, sí, no, sí, no. Y ahora lo tendría claro, pero ahora ya no depende de mí, sino de ti. Te quiero. “ (TENGO GANAS DE TI – españa 2012)

TENGOGANASDETI ** DO NOT LET ME DOWN … **

This what I’m not telling you, what you are not knowing here…
I’m giving myself – for you as well – an opportunity,
this chance to believe … AGAIN
please don’t fail… don’t go break my heart … AGAIN
thy you should know this is your – OUR- last chance to make things right

saddle point

#MR

Hoy 14 de febrero se le ocurrió buscarme….
Y quiero que alguien me explique: what the hell? somewhat unexpected, somehow needy. State of mind: SHOCK; Mi estabilidad bajo al 48%.

Qué se supone que haga? contestarle como si nada? evitarlo? …. la insistencia no cesa y yo tengo que tomar una decisión NOW! A esto le llaman un saddle point (*cuando al menos una parte minima de valor puede resultar negativa y al menos una parte minima del valor puede resultar positiva – economía). Lo que sea que decida podría no sólo determinar mi destino en este momento, si no provocarme un paro cardiaco, as well.

** si le contesto, probablemente – MUY Probablemente …
este buscando algo como vernos
—>  lucky me, I’ve alredy got plans (after some grinchy days). How was I supposed to know about his availability?! //though his presence doesn’t mean a thing — shall not let yourself down, shall not trust a man like that
—> verlo no podría ser opción, que privilegios tan indebidamente ortogados merece para que yo deba rendirle cuentas en un día como hoy? (this is me being mature, this is me being hurt ) outcomes have never been worst. The only thing I can expect, has to do with the word USED and being again HOOKED-UP.

** si no le contesto, probablemente – MUY Probablemente …
se desquicie por que está buscandome en el cliché de la fecha.

—> y entonces perdere mi oportunidad? y entonces lo perdere para siempre? quizas sirva para hacerlo entender y entonces mejor se aleje… perhaps some of my best answers in here (DO KNOW THAT)

Total que cualquier decisión, sólo sería para afectarme: un sí sólo me provocaría ilusión y un nuevo resentimiento al darme cuenta que soy sólo “meanwhile” o el “wild” card. Un no me causaría angustia, ademas del no aprovechar poder verlo… There’s just loosing in here :/  

me wanting to talk ….

#G
DICIEMBRE 2011

y yo no estoy segura de que quería hablar…
sólo quería hablar

“I dont want you to loose my world… oh my World, so much in here…”

tal vez esperaba que tu dijeras algo
que esa noche hubiese (once more) provocado o cambiado algo en ti, para que vieras algo nuevo en mi

= but you simply won’t =

perhaps was just this feeling of “missing you already”
and you weren’t even gone …

perhaps was the fear of you leaving an empty space in here/me
this space which you haven’t been able/ nor wanting  to fill…

… una vez mas… no sé que espero de ti, no se que quiero de ti
y esque ya no se si hay algo aquí…? – something between us – o sólo soy yo queriendo ver algo

algo que no hay, algo que no existe